Sunday, March 25, 2012
As I've gotten older, birthdays for me have become days of settling into my skin. Enjoying the small moments and looking forward to the next year.
After a weekend punctuated with moments of busyness, pockets of peace and just an overall feeling of contentment, I sit here to blog, to put into words what I feel about getting another year older.
I see the wrinkles, the sunspots are showing up and some things are going south. Do I wish for the vibrancy of youth? No. I remember the me of my 20's and she was naive, unsyncopated, and tunnel visioned. I was always off from how others behaved.
The learned social graces were grey muddy areas that I constantly floundered in and offended many of those I was meeting in the adult world. Towards the end of my 20's, I had convinced myself that the problem lay with me. I was THE PROBLEM. My lack of, or inability to integrate myself into a comfortable social life was a constant source of failure to me.
Then, well, then I got older. I'm not even halfway into my 30's and already I feel more settled and accepting that this is me. This is who I am. I cannot imagine who I'll be in my 40's, but I hope I've loved as hard as I could, stood up for what I believed in and above all protected my family from real or perceived hurts and dangers.
Because at the end of the day, all that really matters is that my children are happy, vibrant and walking the chords of their life strings, marching to their drummer, secure in who they are because Jon and I have loved them with all our hearts.
I dream for them a childhood free of worries. Time to just be a kid. Brains full of bubblegum dreams and marshmellow bonfires. The freedom to say what is on their minds without fear of reprisal. The strength to know right from wrong and stand up for what they believe.
Do their lives dictate mine and Jon's? No, the kids are just passengers on our train. Adorable, loveable, oh-so-funny passengers, but passengers all the same. We are so blessed to have them.
So, in celebration of my 34th birthday, we spent a weekend pruning flower beds, tilling vegetable beds, mowing grass, digging earthworms, grilling steaks, going to see Hunger Games, feeding dandelions to rabbits and hiking Ceasar's Creek trails. It was an amazing weekend.
My heart feels at peace.