Anticipation

As the days roll closer to the arrival of the boys, my thoughts are consumed with the pending event. The question on HOW they will arrive is one I have experienced with each of my births. James and Jesse's births were so calm and dare I say it? Easy.

I felt such success and empowerment from their births. They were very typical hospital births with me trusting the attending doctor completely. I didn't question the care they were instructing the nurses to give me. When my water broke with Jesse I assumed I would have a very natural or as close to natural birth as I could get in a hospital setting. Instead I was given pitocin and when that order came through from the doctor, I knew immediately to order an epidural. These interventions were acceptable to me. My mantra was "whatever it takes for me and the babies to make it through safely".

I realized birth trauma and regret were real live living entities in the birthing world. Mentally, I didn't want to live with regrets surrounding such a momentous occasion. So, I felt flexibility in my birth expectations was the best way to go, for me.

Now with the imminent arrival of the boys looming on the horizon, I have found myself in a new position. My doctor has spent my pregnancy PLANNING to deliver the boys by c-section. I have spent my pregnancy PLANNING to deliver vaginally. My doctor gave me criteria that had to be met for her to be comfortable with a vaginal delivery. We met them and she still tried to schedule a c-section date!

I am not even expecting an all natural delivery. There are interventions I am comfortable with, but c-section? I'd like to avoid it at all costs. So when the babies, yes, both of them, turned breech at 32 weeks I knew a c-section was a possibility. Friends suggested Spinning Babies as a possible resource. I read through the website and got the basic idea of how they recommend trying to manipulate the babies into turning head down.

Twins are trickier but the concepts seemed sound. After explaining to Jon the concepts and my ideas for how we could try, he was on board. Jon is suspicious of some of my crunchy moms suggestions. Hello, home births, placenta encapsulation, and a few others. Spinning Babies was a little out there for him, since he related it to whacky chiropractor moves. I have been with him long enough to know how to explain and get his cooperation, i.e. relate it to sex. And voila, a few fun sessions and both babies were blissfully head down.

Now, I am in a unique position of wanting a vaginal birth, the babies cooperated and my doctor still wants to schedule a c-section. Remember I said I trusted the doctors with each of my previous deliveries? So the experience of saying "No" to doctor recommendations is a new one. I am getting lots of practice.

The one thing I have always advocated is happy mom, happy baby. Will I be ok of things go south and I need a c-section? Absolutely. Do I want the chance to deliver my babies how I want? Absolutely.

There is a kernel inside me that has popped that wants to share and encourage every mom to strive for the birth experience they want. I am having to fight, voice, advocate and literally repeat repeat repeat my wishes to my doctors. It may be easier to roll over and trust them implicitly to do what they feel comfortable doing, but that isn't ok. Moms have rights too in the birthing room.

The rest of the story will be written over the coming weeks. I look forward to meeting the boys. I look forward to a successful delivery. I am looking forward.

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Baby blanket

Babies are the theme in my family this year. Between myself and other family members, my Dad will get four grand babies and a great grand baby this year. How crazy is that?!

Here is a sneak peek of a baby blanket for one of those babies...




I can't wait to meet this little one!


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Quick Cowl

I have never worn or made a cowl. There is a first time for everything! Ohio is getting a lovely April cold snap tonight and tomorrow and I think I will wear it to all my doctor appointments tomorrow.




Quick to work up in Plymouth Mega yarn in a lovely blue ran color. I am super pleased with it.

Have a lovely, crafting Wednesday!

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Cloth diapering

In my circle, cloth diapering is odd. Most people associate cloth diapering with the awful plastic diapers of their generation. Well, let me tell you that this generation of babies have it so much better AND their parents have it much easier too.


The first question I get asked is "Why?!". Breaking it down mathematically seems to appease most people. The picture above represents my diaper stash for the boys. One laundry basket of covers, inserts, AI2's and a side stack of prefolds.

Doesn't take up much retail space in the house. It will diaper them from birth to potty training. Can you imagine the amount of space it would take to store disposable diapers that would diaper twins from birth to potty training?

The stash cost me $800. I have about $200 more budgeted for a few more prefolds.

Overall savings over the next few years? Almost $2,000 saved on diapering.

I'll discuss the environmental impacts and health impacts another day. It was the health impacts that ultimately swayed me. It is the money sense that has gotten Jon on-board with this whole crazy cloth diapering idea.

Do you cloth diaper?

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Thirty-five

On turning 35:

There are some truths that come with age and as I look back at myself, I see an unsyncopated me trying to navigate from childhood to adulthood.  But today, today I see me.  The me I have fought to be.  Isn't that  a success? Striving to be true to who you are?  With so many influences, I feel that at times I was bewildered by the examples set before me and I didn't know who to choose to be like and how to go about achieving that goal.  Then there was a day, I don't remember the exact day, maybe it was more like a long process, but I said "Screw everyone and their examples, I'm going to pick what I like and be who I want to be.".

Oh, I don't say what I want to say, or do what I want to do, but I try to be true to me.

So looking in the mirror this morning, assessing the state of my hair on my face (Lordy, I'm getting hairier!) I thought of a few cold truths about me and where I'm at this day I turn 35.

1. Sarcasm is my default font.  Deal with it.

2. I'll be the first to tell you the truth about myself.  I really don't want to hear it from you.  I'll ask if I do, thank you very much.

3. I'm a momma bear.  All teeth.  Honestly, if I hurt your feelings over something to do with my kids, I don't care about your feelings.

4. I make fun of myself and unless you are INNER CIRCLE, you don't get to do that.

5. I rarely say sorry.  I've weighed the consequences, mentally mapped ways the events could work out and made a decision.  So, if I say sorry, then I'm truly sorry.

6. Explanations and excuses rarely interest me.  I'll politely listen, but I really don't care, just don't do it again.

Ah, but I do have a warm side and today as I sniffle my way through a work day, watch the snowflakes float past my office window, I know I'm a good person.

1. I'm loyal.  Rottweiler loyal.  Can't beat that!

2. I hum when Jon rubs my back.  I love it.

3. As a wife, I pretty much rock.  Jon said to me just a few weeks ago, "You are so easy to love.".

4. As a mom, I pretty much rock.  'Nuff said.

5. I love who I've become.  I never thought I'd be successful at life.  I knew it was a goal.  I knew I had a chance of achieving some success, I just underestimated my own stubborness.  I'm good people and I love that about me.

So as I turn 35, I'm in a great place.  Life is good.  

The Loss

A large part of my time has been consumed with TWINS!  It is so exciting!  People are excited for me.  I'm excited for me.  But there is a story behind the twins that few know.  I never blogged about it, and I occasionally will acknowledge it in passing.  My sister pointed out to me that even today, with the blessings of the twins, that the events leading up to them still affect me.  Random moments in time when I have to rein my thoughts in, stop the tears and factually tell myself that "It is just another medical disclosure fact.".

That only gets me so far because my belief in life, in living for my babies, my babies are my life, are completely at odds with factual medical disclosures.

You see, June 2, 2013, is my Expected Due Date (EDD) for these two boys.  A year ago, on June 2, 2012, I peed on a stick and that stick said "Pregnant".

Jon and I were stunned.  After stunned, we quickly moved onto "This is meant to be!" and life continued.  I did my Crossfit, rode a horse, jet skiied, went parasailing because I believe that life, staying active doesn't stop when pregnancy occurs.  You adjust as you get bigger, but I don't stop doing what I love because I'm pregnant.  Which that thought process has haunted me and it has taken some work to get over the guilt question of "Did I do something wrong?".  Because at 11 weeks 6 days, I miscarried Handy Baby #3.

I was devastated and it was one of the few times Jon cried. We both dealt with it quietly and for me it was the quiet moments that were the hardest. No more baby planning. Dreams of how our family would change and newly formed hopes for our family, gone in an instant. I was surprised that I went through the stages of grief and it wasn't until I was in the anger stage that I realized I had to grieve. The grief still sneaks up on me some days. Case in point is this particular blog. I started writing it months ago and have delayed publishing because I cry with every edit I do in it. But there is healing in sharing and with every person I share, the more I feel the celebration that Handy baby #3 was in our lives.

My SIL said to me after I shared about the loss, "It was
probably something genetically wrong.".  She is probably in the right.

There is a scene in Titanic where she says "There was a man named Jack Dawson and he exists now only in my dreams.".  This is how I feel about Baby #3.  She/He existed and was loved.

Jon and I had exactly one conversation about having more kids after the physical trial of miscarriage was over.  We were standing at the kitchen counter, kids were off playing and it was a moment in time that parents sometimes get when they can snatch a few moments to connect.  All I said was "I want another baby."  Jon nodded and we never discussed it again.

I went weekly for my blood draw to make sure HGC levels were down and finally Aunt Flo showed up.  We were told not to try for another baby until after at least one menstrual cycle.  Which in hindsight is excellent advice.  What we weren't told is that with some women, they may hyperovulate after a miscarriage (similar occurrence will happen after coming off birth control).

Handy Baby #3 is the reason we have two babies now.  I felt that I wanted to share because the loss of a child is a loss of a child.  It cannot be compared or quantified to other child losses. Every parent who loses a child goes through their own process and their blessings come in many forms.  Our blessing has been two boys.  I still struggle with the loss of Baby #3.  Not every day, not every moment, but the passing thought and acknowledgement of the loss is ever present.

There is a Handy baby waiting in Heaven for her/his brothers and sister and she/he is not forgotten and will always exist in her parents hearts.

We found out I was pregnant in September and decided to continue life as if nothing had changed.  The loss was a specter, always in the back of my mind and I probably had more worry that first trimester.  We made it to 15 weeks and a week before Christmas I texted my SIL and asked if she would be willing to do an ultrasound to tell us the gender of the baby.  We wanted to surprise the rest of the family at Christmas with the news.  I had shared with her after the 12 week mark that I was pregnant but had miscarried previously, so was being very cautiously optimistic that this baby was sticking.  She agreed to do the ultrasound and we all (Jon, myself and my SIL) felt the worry of "What if something is wrong?".   So when she put the wand on my belly and GASPED, covered her mouth with her hand and the look in her eyes said "How am I going to tell them this?!".  My first question was "Is there a heartbeat?".  She said, "No. There are two.".

I will tell you that Jon got weak in the knees.  I cried. I really don't remember how we got home.  But we did and we continued with life.  We surprised the family at Christmas time and focused on our family. 

James and Jesse had such a subdued response to the news.  They really had to process it, question it, talk about it and see it.  As my belly has gotten bigger, their excitement has grown and they continue to question the wheres, whys and hows.  They are going to be awesome big brother and sister to these twins.

We found out we were having two boys and realized we needed two boy names.  The name Jake had always been our choice for another boy, so that was easy.  The other name we had picked out in case the baby turned out to be a girl was Jordan.  When we found out we were having two boys, we considered letting Jordan be his name, since the name is rather androgynous.  But I spent a few days focusing on the second boy, he had settled down on my left side, and I realized he wasn't a Jordan, he was a Sam.
The names were spontaneous, free thought, "these feel right" names. 

We never looked up meanings or tried to go with family names.  On a whim, one of my friends looked up the meanings.  Jake means "supplanter" and Sam means "God hears".  Jake was the supplanter/replacement to Handy Baby #3 that we lost, in my mind.  Sam, though, "God hears" wasn't a prayer of mine that God heard.  No, God heard another person's prayer.  His name is James and he prayed for brothers.  God heard.

The wake up call

This was my daughter's attempt to wake me up yesterday morning.



Bunnies and Hemi are meeting and greeting and off screen is Guy by my knees. Let's keep this quiet cause Jon has a rule about bunnies in the bed. They shed a lot. ;)

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